It’s not easy to summarize someone you love; to write an obituary that balances the necessary facts with the person’s actual character.If you are writing for a “character” of your own, here is how to lean into the wit while maintaining the dignity of the moment:
- Identify the “Classic” Stories: Think of the anecdote that everyone tells at a party. If your father once tried to fix a leaky pipe with duct tape and a prayer and flooded the basement -that story says more about his optimism (and lack of plumbing skills) than a line saying “he was a handy man.”
- Find the “Ring of Truth”: Humor is most effective when it acknowledges a well-known trait. If they were notoriously stubborn, don’t call them “steadfast.” Say they “never met an argument they couldn’t prolong for three hours.”
- Avoid the “Saint” Narrative: You don’t have to invent a perfect version of the person. People love people for their flaws, not in spite of them. An obituary that admits someone was “frequently wrong but never in doubt” feels more alive than one that claims they were always right.
- The Sibling Litmus Test: If you’re worried a joke goes too far, run it by someone who shared that person’s life. If you’re all laughing through the tears, you’ve probably hit the right note.
Ultimately, there is no “correct” way to summarize a human life. Whether your tribute is a somber reflection of a legacy or a hilarious highlight reel of a “character,” the only metric that matters is authenticity. If the words you put on the page reflect the person you actually knew, the one who made you laugh, the one who challenged you, and the one you will miss, then you have done it right. Trust what you feel in your heart; if you write from a place of honest connection, the community will recognize the spirit of the person behind the prose, and that is the greatest final gift you can give them.
The Final Tribute Checklist
1. The Essential Facts
- Full Name: Including nicknames or a maiden name (to help old friends identify them).
- Dates: Correct dates of birth and death.
- Residence: The city and state where they lived when they passed (and perhaps where they spent most of their life).
- Cause of Death: (Optional) You can be specific, general (“after a long illness”), or leave it out entirely. Sometimes people will ask that donations be made to a specific illness-related charity (Heart & Stroke, Cancer) in lieu of flowers, which is an indicator of cause of death.
2. The Life Story (The “Dash”)
- Milestones: Schools attended, degrees earned, or military service.
- Career: Significant jobs, retirement, or professional passions.
- Memberships: Churches, clubs, lodges, or volunteer organizations.
- Hobbies/Quirks: Those “un-googleable” details that make them a real person.
3. The Family Tree
- Predeceased: Spouses, parents, or children who passed before them.
- Survivors: Names of spouse/partner, children, siblings, and often the number of grandchildren/great-grandchildren.
- Pets: For many, listing a beloved dog or cat is a vital part of their story.
4. Service & Memorial Details
- The “When & Where”: Time, date, and full address for the visitation, funeral, or celebration of life.
- The “Who”: Name of the officiant or the funeral home handling arrangements.
- Donations: “In lieu of flowers” instructions (specific charities, scholarship funds, or memorial websites).
5. The Final Polish
- Fact-Check: Double-check the spelling of every family member’s name.
- Read Aloud: Check the flow and rhythm to ensure it sounds like the person you knew.
The Heart Test: Does this feel like an honest reflection of their spirit?
The most helpful advice: write it like you’re describing them to someone who never met them, not filling out a form.